Let me begin by setting aside my skepticism,

my sarcasm, my doubt, my intellectualized judgment,

my clever snarky attitude that wants to

shut me up and keeps me shut down.

I do not release it completely,

for it serves me well in other circumstances,

but I let go my tight grasp,

leaving room for something more.

Let me say these words:

dear god,

and not choke, not giggle,

nor fill with fear.

If I cannot bring myself to say,

dear god,

let the sweetest voice I know,

someone who loves me deeply,

unconditionally,

let their voice, be the voice that says,

dear god.

And if my pain is so loud,

(which it is too many days)

that I cannot hear the voice of a loving friend;

if my mind so full of hurt and shame,

that I cannot remember anyone

who loves me without end,

let me imagine someone,

someone soft, and kind,

whom I’ve not yet met,

whose name I give as Phred,

(yes, it is okay to laugh,

laughter is a salve),

Phred will bathe you

in the light of love.

It will be Phred’s voice,

cooing to you, this prayer:

dear god, I am in pain.

dear god, I fear this pain will consume me.

dear god, I try to hide from others

how big this pain is,

but I think some can see it

on my face,

in how I walk,

in how I run away.

I pray that there is something in me,

that is not this pain;

I pray that there is something in me,

that is not this shame;

I pray that there is something in me,

that is not this darkness.

dear god, I don’t always believe that.

I ask you to, when I cannot.

dear god, I don’t even believe in you,

dear god, I don’t know if I believe in you,

still I ask for this immense thing:

let me find the strength to repeat these words:

There is something in me that is not this pain.

There is something in me that is not this shame.

There is something in me that is not this darkness.

dear god, whom I am not at all sure exists,

dear god, whose name I am saying only to please a friend,

give me the strength, to say these words, too:

There is something in me that is worthy;

there is something in me that is true;

there is something in me that is whole.

Amen.